If something bad happens, I can

• Talk to bf
• Take a bath
• Play piano
• Sing
• Ask for help

My go-to list.

Fun/creative

• Drawing
• Redecorating
• Painting/learning how to paint
• Reading
• Going out
• Play piano
• Sing

Exercise

• Cardio
• Upper body strength training
• Stomach muscle strength training
• Dancing

Writing

• Diary
• Dream journal
• Fanfiction
• Fantasy
• Write about the bad
• Letters to made up people
• Creative writing

Spiritual resources

• Church
• Prayer
• Meditation

Dress up

• Find new make up
• Fancy hair
• Red lipstick
• Wear a dress
• Wear high heels
• Wear an outrageous piece of jewelry

Do little things

• Always do one thing per day
• Do a batch of laundry
• Clear up desk
• Clear up nightstand
• Cook something healthy
• Send a letter
• Take a bath

Learn something new

• Painting
• Knitting
• Sewing
• Theater plays
• Unknown author
• Unknown genre
• YouTube tutorials
• Herbs

Alright. A step in the healing process: writing down how I would like to feel.

I would like to feel comfortable in my femininity again. I would like to not be bothered by my sex organs, both internal and external. I would love to feel like getting attention - for whatever reason -is a good thing again. I currently feel exceedingly uncomfortable if someone stares at me, or compliments me. I would like to allow sexual intimacy. Having sex with someone I like, being close to someone I also like, but combining the two - being close to someone I have sex with - feels terrible. I close down, my libido goes down, and I just push people away physically the moment I get emotionally close. I would like to experience sexual intimacy as an enjoyable thing.

God, as portrayed by the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is a far more loving God than I've known him to be in any other Christian denomination. This is what attracted me to the church in the first place. In this church, I learned I can get a personal relationship with God and Jesus, that I can get personal revelation through prayer. At first, I didn't pray that much. It felt awkward to put all my feelings in words, and instead I just opened myself up and said 'God, this is how I feel. You make sense of it, because I can't'. Every now and then I'd find a desire strong enough to warrant an actual prayer, strong enough that finding words wasn't as hard, but that's all the prayer I did.

As time passed, I started praying more, and I found that the promise the church had made to me (that this relationship with the divine could be personal) was coming true. I was starting to get to know these personages as people, for lack of a better word. I learned that they had a wicked sense of humor, that they always kept an eye out on us, and most importantly: that they did love us. Me.

So, on to something completely different. Imagine, if you will, that you have a loving family. A family with decidedly Christian morals, consisting out of a father, a mother, two sons and a daughter. Your children grow up to be amazing teenagers that you are very proud of, but one day, your daughter walks up to you and tells you she's gay. She's in a relationship with another girl, and they love each other very much. Now I'm of the opinion that, to a truly loving parent, this wouldn't matter, now matter what your beliefs are. A good parent will tell their gay daughter that they are always welcome in their house and that they wish her nothing but happiness. Right? What you would not do is, say, buy a house for her because she's your daughter and then tell her to stay there, and never come back to you, because being gay simply isn't good enough for you. 

So why then, is this exactly what mormons say God does? When you don't obey the commandments, heavenly father will prepare a special little place for you, but he will never allow you to come back to him. You are shut out from his presence forever.
To me, that's not love. And, seeing as I know that my heavenly father loves me unconditionally, I can't believe in the God that this church preaches.

Overpeinzingen 14 en 15

Warmte sijpelt langzaam en prettig mijn lichaam in. Ik moet met mijn ogen knijpen om nog iets te kunnen zien. Om mij heen zit iedereen met het zelfde gelukzalige gevoel te genieten - iedereenn lacht. Alle hectiek, alle wrok, alle woede en al het verdriet is voor nu vergeten. Het is lente.


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Ik wil gras. Ik wil water. Ik wil zitten in de schaduw van een boom.
Ik wil lucht. Ik wil zon. Ik wil fietsen met mijn handen van het stuur.
Ik wil rood. Ik wil blauw. Ik wil ervaren dat de wereld met mij draait.
Ik wil zingen. Ik wil dansen. Ik wil lachen, voelen, leven.

Overpeinzingen 13

Ik wil verandering

Ik wil vernieuwing

Ik wil verdwijnen

Overpeinzingen 8

Mooiste. Nummer. Ooit.